Navigating the Complexities of Dating While in a Relationship

Work hard, love hard… and sometimes date smart.

Let’s talk about something that makes people tilt their head sideways when you mention it.

Dating… while in a relationship.

Not cheating. Not sneaking around. Not “it just happened”.

I’m talking about consensual, open, ethically non-monogamous dating.

Now before anyone reaches for their pitchfork — yes, it’s becoming more common. And no, it’s not just “traditional swingers”. There’s a whole spectrum now. Couples who don’t want to swap. Couples who don’t want group situations. Couples who simply enjoy dating other people independently, with boundaries.

The real question is: where do you even find someone when that’s your dynamic?

Do you use Red Hot Pie? Tinder? Grindr? FEELD? Plenty of Fish?Do you lock eyes across the organic section at Woolworths?Or do you send someone a cheeky Facebook poke like it’s 2009?

The reality is, the platforms don’t matter nearly as much as your clarity.

The Apps: Tools, Not Solutions

Red Hot Pie (RHP) is obvious lifestyle territory. If you’re looking for people already in that world, it’s probably the most direct route.

Tinder? That’s mainstream, but it works — if you’re transparent. Plenty of Fish still exists, surprisingly. Grindr serves its own audience. FEELD is probably the most ENM-friendly of the lot, and the one that feels less like you’re trying to explain your relationship model every five minutes.

Personally? I’ve got accounts on FEELD and Tinder. Do I use them heavily? Not really.

Why? Because being in an ENM relationship isn’t about collecting experiences. It’s about intention.

My Boundary Line

My wife and I are in an ethically non-monogamous relationship. That means honesty first. Always. For me, the line is simple:

Emotionally, I only want to love my wife. She is the one for me. That’s not negotiable. That’s not flexible. That’s not “we’ll see how it goes”. Physically? I’m open. Dating, FWB, casual — all fine. I enjoy connection. I enjoy chemistry. I enjoy the dance of meeting someone new.

But the moment an emotional connection starts to drift into romantic love territory — that’s where I draw the line.

That boundary keeps everything clean. Some people want multiple loves. Some people want hierarchy. Some want kitchen-table poly where everyone’s friends. There isn’t a universal rulebook. There’s only what works for you and your partner. If you don’t know your own boundary, you’re not ready to start swiping.

The Real Work Is Internal

People think ENM is about sex. It’s not. Its’s about communication. You need to be able to sit across from your partner and say:

• What are we okay with?

• What are we not okay with?

• What happens if feelings start shifting?

• How often do we check in?

It’s less Fifty Shades, more board meeting. Except the board meeting is about jealousy, ego, insecurity, reassurance, and desire. You’d be amazed how many couples say they’re “open” but haven’t actually defined what that means. That’s when things go sideways.

Honesty: With Yourself First

Before you download an app, ask yourself:

• Are you dating because you genuinely enjoy meeting new people? Or because something is missing in your primary relationship?

• Those are very different motivations.

• If you’re trying to fill a gap, fix that first.

• If you’re genuinely secure, aligned, and curious — then dating can be an enhancement, not an escape.

When you do meet someone new, be crystal clear. Don’t bury the “I’m married” part at the bottom of your bio. Don’t say you’re single to get more matches. Don’t pretend you’re open to love if you’re not. That’s not edgy. That’s deceptive.

Filters, Fantasy & Reality

This applies to everyone — ENM or not.

If your profile photo has twelve Snapchat filters, dog ears, and a face that looks like it’s been AI-reconstructed… what are we even doing? I’d rather put an emoji over my face than present something that isn’t me. Likewise, I won’t say I’m single. I won’t post photos from twenty years ago. And I won’t say I’m 30 if I’m 45. If you start from dishonesty, everything that follows is built on sand. The whole point of ethical non-monogamy is ethics.

The Woolworths Factor

Now let’s address the unspoken truth. Sometimes it’s not apps. Sometimes it’s eye contact in real life. A conversation that lingers. Energy that sparks. But even then — if you’re in a relationship — transparency matters. There’s something incredibly attractive about confidence paired with honesty.

“Hey, I’m married. We’re open. This is what that looks like for me.” That sentence filters out 90% of people immediately. Good. You don’t need 100 matches. You need the right dynamic.

There’s No Right Answer

Some couples date together. Some date separately. Some only hook up. Some form long-term secondary connections. There isn’t a moral scoreboard.

There are alignment, communication, and integrity. That’s it.

Dating while in a relationship isn’t about chasing novelty. It’s about understanding your capacity. Knowing your limits. Protecting your primary bond. Work hard, love hard… and if you’re going to date, date honestly. Because the real flex in modern relationships isn’t secrecy. It’s clarity.

If I end this blog like the end of a Jerry Springer episode, I will say this. It's always fun and games until someone gets hurt, so keep it out of the workplace.